What a close friend said to me stroke a chord in me and it aroused a whole lot of emotions. Being a sensitive issue, many avoid it. Some choose to run away and there are also some whom choose to leave silently, without a trace. I'm glad she voiced her feelings and yet sometimes I wish she didn't, because the truth hurts and what hurts the most is the fact that I can't change her mind.
"You don't choose a church; the church chooses you."
"It is wrong to church hop."
I have absorbed these similar kind of teachings over and over again yet it never truly sunk in until now. I can't fathom how she plans to "explore other churches" and choose the best. How is best defined? The one with the best singers, the best preacher or the best location?
It might be a little far stretched, but I feel like a church is like a partner. You don't leave your partner once you find someone whom is better. You don't open your eyes wide to search for a better option. You don't have a back up plan. You don't. But too many people do.
A church is like a family. You don't choose your family members, a leader once told me. You stick with them, for better or worse. Even though there are tears, fights, scars, grudges, you never, ever leave them. Simply because they are family.
I tried to make her stay, tried to brainwash her so desperately to stay. But as someone said before, once you have tried your best and if they still stubbornly refuse to heed your advice, it is time to let go. You let them fly and you can only pray that they won't fall. Easier said than done. But people choose their own path and it is unfair to hold them back against their own will.
Sure, her happiness matters. And I believe it is important. But so are responsibility and loyalty. You can be beyond elated but without those, who are you really? Sometimes we have to do things that hurt ourselves and they will make us feel horrible. If you are only concerned about pursing your own happiness and your own happiness only, what makes you?
She is not a terrible person and I do care about her a lot. And part of me understands her feelings. And maybe deep down, I even admire her courage. And in theory, this is not wrong. It might appear right to some to pursue her happiness but in doing so, you hurt people. Would that wrong the right?
I guess what upsets me the most is the fact that this is deja vu. Looking at her now reminds me of you. Maybe this was how you felt. Maybe you were unhappy and I'm sorry I couldn't see it. I'm afraid that she and I would become like us. Our relationship is beyond repair, if it still exists in the first place. I doubt I can look you in the eye again without thinking of all that you did and I don't think you can look at me quite the same way as before without thinking of what I could have done but failed to do. I wish I can reverse time but I know that is being plain naive. Because I can't and nobody can. People learn from their mistakes but I wished with all my heart that one of them didn't have to be you.